On a recent flight up the coast of Australia, on a mere two and a half hour journey, my flying life changed. Completely.

I left the plane with four “Katinka rules for kids and travel”, now feel free to claim any of these as your own ideas, really, whatever gets you need to do to get you through.

#1. Leave the kids with other people. Make that anyone else. Animal supervision is also okay, Mowgli turned out just fine – didn’t he?

IF no suitable supervision can be sought and you’ve exhausted every avenue including temporary adoption. Then only and really only at this point are you allowed to put them on the flight. However the following sub rules then apply:

#2. Book seats for your offspring separate to you (and to me), right at the back of the plane. Where everyone knows unacceptable levels of disgrace are commonplace.

#3. Hire a nanny/aupair to fly with them at the back of the plane.
Then enjoy the flight in a seat over the aisle from me.

If none of this seems reasonable then please adhere to this final rule and allow the rest of us to travel without the kicking of seats, grubby food passed through the chairs, human output smells and decibel defying demeanour.

#4. Phenergan. I shouldn’t need to explain this.

If Jem hadn’t forgotten his headphones and I hadn’t nobly handed over mine I could not come up with these rules. Thanks, partner.